So, it's still the long awaited January...and NO we are not pregnant. After my last "blog melt down" as I call it, I decided I needed to get a 2nd opinion
I absolutely LOVE Dr H and his whole staff. my 2nd opinion was about me being a borderline lunatic. The day I wrote that blog, the only word to describe me was ANGRY. VERY ANGRY. There had been days before, and days since that I've been that angry. But on that particular day, I decided on the decision that I wanted to go see Dr. I.
I did this not because I wanted Dr I . to tell me something different, or to tell me that he could "fix me", because I know that is not true. I did it because I want to know 100% that I did absolutely everything I could do to have our baby. I also have very pushy friends (love yall) and family members that knew I was on the brink of insanity and insisted that I go.
So I called, and my appointment was on January 17th!
It was an AWESOME visit.
The appointment started with a short, but depressing wait in the waiting room. A lot of hushed voices and sad faces sat in the waiting room with me. We all look at each other, and all of us are thinking " I wonder what's wrong with her".. " I wonder if she's pregnant"...."I wish I could ask her what's wrong"
Of course, we don't say a word to each other, we all just pretend we are reading magazines.
I took my Mom with me to this appointment, because Colby had to work. My mother, in her nervous state, read a magazine outloud, pointing to people and laughing. "Paige, what the world is wrong with them?" OUTLOUD. So I'm sure those people had 30 minutes of entertainment.
His sweet nurse made me weigh with my boots on, so all of my self-esteem for the week was shattered, but besides that I absolutely loved her!
We were placed in a conference type room, with my mother now out of her talkative phase, she has entered her quiet phase.
She sat in the chair, basically pressing her face up against the window, sighing so loud that I thought "well, here comes my nervous breakdown I've been waiting on"
I warned her that these doctor visits are not good, and she would hear me answer questions in a way that I may not have told her details about, and that may not be good. I know it was really hard for her to come with me, but she knows I really needed her to be there. So waiting room entertainment and all, I really appreciate that she was there. She only used 1 box of tissues, so I count that as success.
Dr I comes into the room, introduces himself to me and Deb and says " So, Paige, what brings you to see me? " The question startled me and all I could get out, "I need you to help me get pregnant, or I need you to tell me I cannot- so I can stop trying."
His answer: "Fair enough"
We went through all my history pretty quickly.....and the vote is I still have a very good chance of having a baby. I was given 2 new medications this time... I really may need to get a pill divider... I have 3 months to try this plan, and at the end of 3 months- we re-group and try something different. For people who are in the process of doing all of this, I know that all information helps...I was given Clomid and Folgard. Everyone knows what Clomid is, and if I have anything more than twins- I hope Deb and Cheryl have worked long enough for retirement.
Folgard is a "sooped" up vitamin that is typically given to patients with MTHFR. It helps your body metabolize Folic Acid.
So February marks the month of "officially" trying again....and unlike my post last time, now I am excited too! A little scared, but excited. I'm not sure where this new attitude I have came from. I've questioned the possibility that I really may have gone crazy and I just don't realize it yet. Kinda like the movies. But, I know it' s due to my awesome God, wonderful husband, great family, and loving friends.
And by the way, if you ever happen to see me in the waiting room...you can ask me, and talk to me about anything. As you know, I'm an open book about this infertility junk.
"Courage is the discovery that you may not
win, and trying when you know you can lose." -Tom Krause
Monday, January 28, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Days like today
So, it's January.
The anxiously awaited January. In everyone's mind the " yay! month", the "baby month", the " are you pregnant month?", the "excited month" In everyones mind, but mine.
Don't get me wrong at all here, I am beyond blessed with wonderful families and friends that are behind the "operation" 100%...but sometimes, I still want to crawl into my closet with a bottle of cheap moscato, a "real" coke, McDonald's fries, and a pinterest that is free of all things pregnancy and baby and stay there for at least 3 days.
On days like today, when infertility is super hard, I believe in my blog more than ever. Not all girls struggling with infertility are blessed with the family/friends that I have. I have friends that don't beat around the bush, they will ask me "Paige, what's happening this month with your baby stuff ?" I tell them and I get an " oh okay" and let's move on. My friends know that i'm the type of person that doesn't want to have pity, and I love them for that. I also have a mom that I can call on days like today. The words that come out of my mouth, and just the things I say will make a stripper blush. But all she says is, " don't worry, we will get our baby. one way or another". And then I'm calm.
So what I'm saying is, I want this blog to be like the many blogs that I've sat in bed at 2 am and read when I was quiet about my infertility and felt so alone. The women that wrote those have helped me more than they know, and I hope mine will do the same for ladies who either have no one to vent to, or are not ready to be open yet.
Anyway- what is the reason for the blog update? Usually I have " Dr H news", but nope none of that right now. I'm enjoying the short vacation from his office, actually. I'm still taking enough pills at night that I need a "grown up" pill divider (which I refuse to get), and I'm still having mood swings that would scare Carrie, as in the prom queen.
I woke up this afternoon (long night) and thought "ok, this is the month. Time to start counting days and lots of lab work, and probably more visits with my friend " the microphone". And instead of feeling excitement, I felt a terrible feeling of sadness and dread.
This is not fair, I'm 26 years old. I love God. I go to work everyday. I volunteer. I donate to charities. I am nice to the babies at work when they are kicking me with the left foot, while a handful of my hair is in their little right hand and it takes everything short of the jaws of life to remove it. I love animals. I would be a good mama, and my husband would be a good daddy. Things like this aren't supposed to happen to people like us.
I was supposed to get pregnant first try, make the big announcement at 5 weeks, be oblivious to everything that could possibly go wrong, complain about being fat at 9 months, and then deliver a beautiful, heathy baby. That's how it happens right?? WRONG!!!!!
For many people, it DOES actually happen this way- but there are many of us who will never know what this feels like. We will be scared from the moment we see the positive sign until the pediatrician at the 2 week check up tells us " you have a wonderful, healthy child!". We won't be excited to go to the first few check-ups, we will be terrified and praying to ourselves " Please, God, let there be heartbeat."
I DO realize that I don't sound like my normal upbeat, positive self right now and YES I do realize that there are people who are dealing with issues in life FAR more disheartening than infertility and that really, I just need to shut up , but like I said in a previous post- Infertility is a grieving process. Anger is a stage in the grieving process--- So ladies, I know you all feel this way from time to time-- and I want you to know that if you want to eat a tub of butter and lay in the bathtub for an hour instead of going for a run-- damnit, you go ahead and do it.
On the flip side-- It's important for us to remember that God is ultimately in control. He knows if we will have children. Whether they are biological, adopted, or none at all. He has already decided, and the plan is already made. So what is there to worry about? My faith is the only thing that has kept me somewhat sane throughout this whole process. God is on your team more than anyone else in this battle. He knows that we are mad, sad, doubtful, scared, etc... and he also knows that sometimes we wonder why he is allowing us to feel this way? For whatever reason, he does HAVE a reason for this. The same reason that he allows any type of suffering for anyone, regardless of what that suffering may be.
So after you eat the tub of butter (which in my case is whipped cream) and you lay in the bathtub. count your blessings and just remember that.
I found these articles/blogs/websites about infertility that I really enjoyed reading, and I hope you do to! More to come soon :)... Paige.
PS- We have a new computer and keyboard, which I've almost thrown out of the window several times during this update- so excuse any typos. :)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7
http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/it-happened-me-i-had-multiple-miscarriages
http://www.invesp.com/blog-rank/infertility
http://babyandbump.momtastic.com/
"
The anxiously awaited January. In everyone's mind the " yay! month", the "baby month", the " are you pregnant month?", the "excited month" In everyones mind, but mine.
Don't get me wrong at all here, I am beyond blessed with wonderful families and friends that are behind the "operation" 100%...but sometimes, I still want to crawl into my closet with a bottle of cheap moscato, a "real" coke, McDonald's fries, and a pinterest that is free of all things pregnancy and baby and stay there for at least 3 days.
On days like today, when infertility is super hard, I believe in my blog more than ever. Not all girls struggling with infertility are blessed with the family/friends that I have. I have friends that don't beat around the bush, they will ask me "Paige, what's happening this month with your baby stuff ?" I tell them and I get an " oh okay" and let's move on. My friends know that i'm the type of person that doesn't want to have pity, and I love them for that. I also have a mom that I can call on days like today. The words that come out of my mouth, and just the things I say will make a stripper blush. But all she says is, " don't worry, we will get our baby. one way or another". And then I'm calm.
So what I'm saying is, I want this blog to be like the many blogs that I've sat in bed at 2 am and read when I was quiet about my infertility and felt so alone. The women that wrote those have helped me more than they know, and I hope mine will do the same for ladies who either have no one to vent to, or are not ready to be open yet.
Anyway- what is the reason for the blog update? Usually I have " Dr H news", but nope none of that right now. I'm enjoying the short vacation from his office, actually. I'm still taking enough pills at night that I need a "grown up" pill divider (which I refuse to get), and I'm still having mood swings that would scare Carrie, as in the prom queen.
I woke up this afternoon (long night) and thought "ok, this is the month. Time to start counting days and lots of lab work, and probably more visits with my friend " the microphone". And instead of feeling excitement, I felt a terrible feeling of sadness and dread.
This is not fair, I'm 26 years old. I love God. I go to work everyday. I volunteer. I donate to charities. I am nice to the babies at work when they are kicking me with the left foot, while a handful of my hair is in their little right hand and it takes everything short of the jaws of life to remove it. I love animals. I would be a good mama, and my husband would be a good daddy. Things like this aren't supposed to happen to people like us.
I was supposed to get pregnant first try, make the big announcement at 5 weeks, be oblivious to everything that could possibly go wrong, complain about being fat at 9 months, and then deliver a beautiful, heathy baby. That's how it happens right?? WRONG!!!!!
For many people, it DOES actually happen this way- but there are many of us who will never know what this feels like. We will be scared from the moment we see the positive sign until the pediatrician at the 2 week check up tells us " you have a wonderful, healthy child!". We won't be excited to go to the first few check-ups, we will be terrified and praying to ourselves " Please, God, let there be heartbeat."
I DO realize that I don't sound like my normal upbeat, positive self right now and YES I do realize that there are people who are dealing with issues in life FAR more disheartening than infertility and that really, I just need to shut up , but like I said in a previous post- Infertility is a grieving process. Anger is a stage in the grieving process--- So ladies, I know you all feel this way from time to time-- and I want you to know that if you want to eat a tub of butter and lay in the bathtub for an hour instead of going for a run-- damnit, you go ahead and do it.
On the flip side-- It's important for us to remember that God is ultimately in control. He knows if we will have children. Whether they are biological, adopted, or none at all. He has already decided, and the plan is already made. So what is there to worry about? My faith is the only thing that has kept me somewhat sane throughout this whole process. God is on your team more than anyone else in this battle. He knows that we are mad, sad, doubtful, scared, etc... and he also knows that sometimes we wonder why he is allowing us to feel this way? For whatever reason, he does HAVE a reason for this. The same reason that he allows any type of suffering for anyone, regardless of what that suffering may be.
So after you eat the tub of butter (which in my case is whipped cream) and you lay in the bathtub. count your blessings and just remember that.
I found these articles/blogs/websites about infertility that I really enjoyed reading, and I hope you do to! More to come soon :)... Paige.
PS- We have a new computer and keyboard, which I've almost thrown out of the window several times during this update- so excuse any typos. :)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7
http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/it-happened-me-i-had-multiple-miscarriages
http://www.invesp.com/blog-rank/infertility
http://babyandbump.momtastic.com/
"
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