Days like today

So, it's January.

The anxiously awaited January. In everyone's mind the  " yay! month", the "baby month", the " are you pregnant month?", the "excited month" In everyones mind, but mine.

Don't get me wrong at all here, I am beyond blessed with wonderful families and friends that are behind the "operation" 100%...but sometimes, I still want to crawl into my closet with a bottle of cheap moscato, a "real" coke,  McDonald's fries, and a pinterest that is free of all things pregnancy and baby and stay there for at least 3 days.
 On days like today, when infertility is super hard, I believe in my blog more than ever. Not all girls struggling with infertility are blessed with the family/friends that I have.  I have friends that don't beat around the bush, they will ask me "Paige, what's happening this month with your baby stuff ?" I tell them and I get an " oh okay" and let's move on. My friends know that i'm the type of person that doesn't want to have pity, and I love them for that. I also have a mom that I can call on days like today.  The words that come out of my mouth, and just the things I say will make a stripper blush. But all she says is,  " don't worry, we will get our baby. one way or another". And then I'm calm.
So what I'm saying is, I want this blog to be like the many blogs that I've sat in bed at 2 am and read when I was quiet about my infertility and felt so alone. The women that wrote those have helped me more than they know, and I hope mine will do the same for ladies who either have no one to vent to, or are not ready to be open yet.

Anyway- what is the reason for the blog update? Usually I have " Dr H news", but nope none of that right now. I'm enjoying the short vacation from his office, actually. I'm still taking enough pills at night that I need a "grown up" pill divider (which I refuse to get), and I'm still having mood swings that would scare Carrie, as in the prom queen.

I woke up this afternoon (long night) and thought "ok, this is the month. Time to start counting days and lots of lab work, and probably more visits with my friend  " the microphone". And instead of feeling excitement,  I felt a terrible feeling of sadness and dread.

This is not fair, I'm 26 years old. I love God. I go to work everyday. I volunteer. I donate to charities. I am nice to the babies at work when they are kicking me with the left foot, while a handful of my hair is in their little right hand and it takes everything short of the jaws of life to remove it. I love animals. I would be a good mama, and my husband would be a good daddy. Things like this aren't supposed to happen to people like us.
I was supposed to get pregnant first try, make the big announcement at 5 weeks, be oblivious to everything that could possibly go wrong, complain about being fat at 9 months, and then deliver a beautiful, heathy baby. That's how it happens right?? WRONG!!!!!

For many people, it DOES actually happen this way- but there are many of us who will never know what this feels like.  We will be scared from the moment we see the positive sign until the pediatrician at the 2 week check up tells us " you have a wonderful, healthy child!".  We won't be excited to go to the first few check-ups, we will be terrified and praying to ourselves " Please, God, let there be heartbeat."

I DO realize that I don't sound like my normal upbeat, positive self right now and YES I do realize that there are people who are dealing with issues in life FAR more disheartening than infertility and that really, I just need to shut up , but like I said in a previous post- Infertility is a grieving process.  Anger is a stage in the grieving process--- So ladies, I know you all feel this way from time to time-- and I want you to know that if you want to eat a tub of butter and lay in the bathtub for an hour instead of going for a run-- damnit, you go ahead and do it.

On the flip side-- It's important for us to remember that God is ultimately in control. He knows if we will have children. Whether they are biological, adopted, or none at all. He has already decided, and the plan is already made. So what is there to worry about? My faith is the only thing that has kept me somewhat sane throughout this whole process. God is on your team more than anyone else in this battle. He knows that we are mad, sad, doubtful, scared, etc... and he also knows that sometimes we wonder why he is allowing us to feel this way? For whatever reason, he does HAVE a reason for this. The same reason that he allows any type of suffering for anyone, regardless of what that suffering may be. 
So after you eat the tub of butter (which in my case is whipped cream) and you lay in the bathtub.  count your blessings and just remember that.

I found these articles/blogs/websites  about infertility that I really enjoyed reading, and I hope you do to! More to come soon :)... Paige.

PS- We have a new computer and keyboard, which I've almost thrown out of the window several times during this update- so excuse any typos. :)

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4: 6-7

http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/it-happened-me-i-had-multiple-miscarriages

http://www.invesp.com/blog-rank/infertility

http://babyandbump.momtastic.com/



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